i belong in your arms

Y'now how if you're lucky, you have a certain skill, talent, gift, whatever you want to call it?
And you're maybe not the best but you're confident in your abilities.
But then some other person with the same gift comes along and it just blows your mind to the point where you either think, 'I have to be as good, no, better than this person', or curl up into a ball of despair and give up on your talents entirely.
Well, Armin Mersmann's work does the latter to me.
Artistically, i'm very fragile.
I have negative confidence in my abilities and this has led me to abandon drawing almost altogether.
It doesn't even feel right to refer to myself as an artist anymore.
I do what Mersmann does but he executes it with so much more skill that it cripples me.
And he's just one of many that, through no fault of their own, add to this feeling of worthlessness in my very bones.
Oh, to be cocksure like many of my university peers and not give one single sod what anyone else thinks.
I'm not built that way and now i'm too afraid to draw.

Vicious cycles, i seem to be in perpetual orbit of them.

A very gloomy blog entry, whereas i'm actually rather chipper today.
Here's a song i love to prove it:

Listening to: Golden Fable 'Guiding Light'
Alex Ashman said...

....I have no idea what i'm doing - ever.

This helps me when i feel like curling up and howling: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikAb-NYkseI

Cocksure artists tend to be rubbish artists (and boring people to boot). And i'm not kidding when I say that you're one of the most talented artists i've met.

Please make art (you pirate bagger :) )


Anonymous said...

Would you draw a picture for me?

I know I'm not worth your time and effort, it's just that I think you're so imaginative and self-aware and I really believe that if you could draw something out of your imagination it would be one of the most wonderful things a person could receive because it's something you've made and no-one else could possibly make.

I don't want to pretend to know how you feel, but I believe that there will be a time when you make something that you think is good enough and that it really will be something utterly fantastic.

Louise said...

I don't deserve these comments but thank you, both.

Miss Ashman: Did you know you're a stupendously awesome human being? Cause you are and i feel you should be told. At least once a week.
Alex, can i be Neil Gaiman when i grow up? Or at least follow him around and fetch him tea? I imagine he likes a good cup of tea.

Anonymous: I'd love to say i could draw you a picture tomorrow and maybe i can but i won't promise you anything.
But here's the thing, the thing that's making me smile, i want to draw you something and i haven't felt that in a long, long time. So i have a list, of people i want to draw for and you're on it. I'll try not to let you and the others down.

Ps. You're way too nice to me.

Alex Ashman said...

Yes, louise you may :) it is a dream of mine to make mr gaiman a cup of tea - i feel i could die happy after that.

I hope you feel better soon - these things don't go away overnight and are very hard, but it is possible and one day you'll look back and realise how far you've come. If it helps any, DoJ broke my spirit and spat me out a seriously depressed wreck of a human being - I didn't do any art for a year and a half, i worked in shops i had health issues - it was bad. At the time i thought i had given up, then one day my need to be creative and doodle popped up a shy head, and I grabbed it and ran. I believe the same will happen for you.

Just keep swimming :)

I'd love to see some new art from you! I have such envy of your graphite skills! x

Louise said...

Finding Nemo referencing? Nicely done Miss Ashman!

It makes me sad to think DOJ broke you as well, it's a cruel beast, methinks it deserves a kick.
It does give me a great deal of hope to know you got through it and are hopefully doing something you enjoy now. I'm looking forward to the day that happens for me.
Thanks for being so supportive dear, i'll hopefully be able to return the favour some day :)