On the 17th of January 2013, i woke up to discover two unexpected gifts.
I didn't see this coming.
I didn't even think Armin Mersmann would have any knowledge of my blog - it's so little - let alone take the time to write me such a thoughtful, honest and above all, supportive message.
I think i forget sometimes that i'm not the only artist in the world.
That sounds incredibly narcissistic but it's the simple fact that i live with myself every day, i'm only capable of knowing how i feel at all times and i'm not one to share.
I'll put it all over the internet, however.
More making of the sense that is not, my speciality.
I regret not talking to my university friends about the feelings of inadequacy that were debilitating me while i was still in education.
They were probably feeling just the same and would not have been able to fix my problems but perhaps then i wouldn't have felt so small and so alone in my situation.
To be a Fine artist in a contemporary art school is not easy, thus why i fled so spectacularly.
This year i'll be receiving my Ordinary Degree, after 4 years of the university kindly holding my space open so i could complete with my Honours.
Which i can do whenever i wish.
Hopefully they'd reaccept me but i'm not entirely sure DOJ is the place for me.
I'm not even sure if art is the right choice for me and until i know that i won't be returning to any institution of art.
It's really rather hard for someone like myself, who's ultimate goal within university was to receive a 1st and couldn't even bring themselves to start their final year.
It's all i wanted but i was a mess and it shouldn't have been what being an artist at art school was about.
I should have just wanted to create, instead i wanted to win.
Unhealthy but understandable.
I still want that 1st, i think i always will but if i go back to complete my degree, i just want to produce something that touches people.
Something i'm proud of.
But not too proud!
So, thank you Mr Mersmann.
I can't tell you how much receiving your message meant to me and how much it's given me to think about.
Happy Birthday for tomorrow and please keep producing your sublime works of art.
They may leave me timid but they are truly wonderful things to behold.
Also, to anyone who is currently at art school or even doing it solo and finds themselves in the same situation as i, message me if you'd like.
I can't fix it but i can empathise.
With bells on.
My other gift of the day was from my Mum.
It's always nice to wake up to a present, especially when you are utterly undeserving because of the ungodly hour you've finally dragged yourself out of bed to attempt functioning like a normal human being.
I won't tell you the hour but it was pretty bad.
The sun was going back down.
Shame, shame on me.
Thanks Mum.
You may be the only one i have but i still kinda think you're the best one.
Feel free to make barfing noises behind your computer screens at my unabashed soppiness!
I care not!
Listening to: Seamonster 'Bed of Roses'
Lost Boys by Still Corners
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgIfkqSF0Co
Bought my first cadbury's mini eggs of the year :)
Every time we reach a new page of comments i always get a little shock. It feels like we started being friends only a minute ago 0_0 Sorry i haven't been the greatest one of late, 2016 really was a bitch of a year =/
Mini Eggs are the devil's candy and bless him for their very creation! Now put down your bag and send it to me...
Jason Isaacs is actually a great suggestion but i think he's a bit too old now and perhaps a little too bear-like. Crowley's gotta be lean but intimidating. If you could put Jason Isaacs head on Fassbender's body then that could work. Where's Dr Frankenstein when you need him!
I keep having to tell myself to not get too excited about this. It could just break my heart and i'd like to be prepared =/
Hey, don't worry about it. I post too much, I know that. I suppose you can say that we balance each other out :)
I got a double dip from someone's Swizzel tin at work today :)
"I got a double dip from someone's Swizzel tin at work today :)"
...
My mind is a filthy place 0_0
I was incredibly proud of that sentence :)
Also, please say thank you to Emily for taking account of my antiquated ways when making her 12 Days of Christmas and putting her playlist on youtube. Her 12 Days really is one of the things I look forward to the most.
Dear boy, that is why you're in my Top 5 (outside the family) people. Were there mini Refresher bars in the tin?
Can do but will you ever jump on the Spotify train? It really is more efficient.
Ps. I forgot to send you this list of Screenrant's casting choices for Good Omens:
http://screenrant.com/good-omens-casting-amazon-tv-show-gaiman/
I'm so on board with War, Famine, Shadwell, Newt and Crowley. The other choices are making me squirm, especially Aziraphale =/ And i love him.
To be honest, I think it's a poor list. Far too many pretty faces. And the less said about Aziraphale, the better (except wtf?!). Let's take comfort in the fact that no real cast list is ever made up like that.
Yeah, you're right. I should use spotify. However, I do quite enjoy being as inefficient as possible :)
Holy Forest by pinkshinyultrablast
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZO2psc4En4
Oh, I forgot to say that there were mini refresher bars in the tin. I had a couple along with some fizzers and love hearts. Haven't had a double lollie yet though.
Junebouvier by Whirr
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obnLi07AK5w
I wonder if they still sell irn bru bars? They were quite variable. Sometimes they were sour and sometimes they were sweet. I wonder why? Anyway, I preferred the sour.
This is what happens when I post a message and just decide to write down my thoughts.
I'm thinking about sweets 90% of the time.
Today is the Day by Yo La Tengo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Az3SHeMHC6c
Berlin Lovers by Still Corners
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCD9g1pH6BA
Umi by pinkshinyultrablast
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-cISmtXk1M
The Cherry Pit by pinkshinyultrablast
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VuDscQBInyA
Take Me As I Am by Au Revoir Simone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lu5LxBPbqSc
We Have Everything by Young Galaxy
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bD8lwY8gRs
It was snowing today :)
Mini rolls and digestive slices. This is what happens when I go shopping for food :S
Rise by Azure Ray
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPdgW_YrG7g
You know the best thing about February, Maggot? Pancake day :)
Flashback by Whirr
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsFOREd_lmo
Sorry for posting all the old music, Lilliputty. I've haven't quite got back to my music exploring ways. I'm just trying to re-discover some of my favourites.
I really need to start watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
It's been two weeks since i've said a word to you.
...
Why do you even talk to me?! I'm such a dick =/
And yes, you must start watching IASIP. If you had Netflix you could watch 7 seasons of it...
Because I like continually proving that I'm not a robot.
If you were a Bender-type robot, i'd be cool with it.
Also, you know more about and have the best taste in music, books and tv/films of anyone I've ever met.
Plus you're foul mouthed and sarcastic.
What more could I ask for?
The ability to produce Skittles from my fingertips? That'd be neat.
I'm having a shit day so reading that you think i'm pretty darn cool - even though i find it very confusing - has made my day far less shit. Thank you, buddy, i'd really be a sadder sack without you.
I will however be staying in bed, drinking a never-ending mug of Options (because it tastes just as fucking good as regular hot chocolate in my opinion) while watching copious amounts of B-class tv (my current choice being Van Helsing, bless tv networks for feeding my love of crappy vampire storylines).
I think you're owed a good day, Maggot. Lots of them.
Lafaye by School of Seven Bells
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUrQnDVWXvo
I'm pretty sure that all I'm gonna do the rest of my life is go to work, listen to music and watch films :S
Braid by Gem Club
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=861qmIO1Pio
Teenage Tide by Letting Up Despite Great Faults
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mk7KdYOF0Is
I Never Would by Seapony
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94A2PdHBUEk
Shortwave by Monster Movie
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIAdXe-1lv4
No Letting Go by Mint Julep
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCrJmSByWN0
Lilliputty! Awesome free download :D
http://store.unseen-music.com/album/adorn
Happy pancake day, Maggot :)
Lilliputty, ask your sisters to go hunting for these :)
https://groceries.morrisons.com/webshop/product/Nesquik-Chocolate-Flavour-Milk-Slice/272192011?dnr=y
So, today I was taken to a room at work to discuss how my sarcastic sense of humour could be seen as offensive by some people. It was quite a friendly talking to but it still made me feel like shit. I really need to change my attitude. This is why I never get anywhere in life :)
...the fuck? You're the gentlest creature in all the land. What the actual fuck? That's essentially them telling you to not be you and that to me is unacceptable. Fuck. I'm furious for you.
Thank you, Maggot. You're the best. From now on, I'll just be myself with the people who deserve it. Especially you :)
Consider me honoured, Fungus. I wouldn't change you for the fucking world! Trade you for Nesquik slices, however? Well, that's a different story :)
Were you okay at work today? Not too weird?
Ditto :)
Work was okay, thanks Lilliputty. I just feel a little bit down but I'll get over it. I guess it doesn't take much to knock my confidence these days :)
I hope you're feeling better too and that the days are far less shit than they have been. I wish we were some place far away having adventures. Then again, I think we'd both miss our beds :)
I'd be just the same, m'dear. I think you were unfortunately the victim of someone lacking a sense of humour and the necessary receptors to recognise humour in other people. Common symptom in the planetary epidemic that is humanity but at least i still think you're cool and my opinion's the most important... right? :)
We could kick it old school and do a Bedknobs and Broomsticks kinda thing. Y'know, go on adventures but take our beds with us? I'd be down with that.
Or maybe we could just stick our bedrooms and all the other shit we'd need in a TARDIS :)
So long as you think I'm okay, then I don't really care about what anyone else says :)
Holy fuckballs, Lilliputty. You're destroying that reading challenge!
A Tardis! Why, of course! I think you should be the brains of the operation, i'm clearly better in the sleep department...
Last year i set a 50 book challenge and i think i was 2 books over? This year i'm aiming for 40 because it actually caused me stress. STRESS! I kept getting anxious that i wouldn't read enough books and what that would say about my ability as a reader. Not cool. Reading is the best part of my day. I can't sleep if i don't read. In no way do i want that experience to be stressful =/
...
I'm an actual lunatic, aren't i?
Utterly insane :)
For some reason, it always makes me happy to know how much you love books :)
Starting Over by LSD and the Search for God
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMKkbco7UFE
Dirty Dreams by Work Drugs
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFl987mpXMk
No Winter, No Autumn by Moscow Olympics
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B49G2-SQQrI
Sunn by Swirlies
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZacuBAVNxY
Fallen Stars by SPC ECO
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7TCYM-QYww
The Hours by Exitmusic
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wudo85xfYCg
Follow Me Down by Swallow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxrSc1sMeNg
Lazy Hunter by Boy Friend
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9HoeJ19mzA
Well, that's the rentals gone away for 5 weeks!
And I've got annual leave next week too :)
Hmm, trying to decide on my film list for my week off :)
On The Run by Postiljonen
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEnBrQYHJ8g
Another Tale From Another English Town by Lanterns on the Lake
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEKBQ9oUtSU
I think if I had a blog, I would call it Fuchsia's Attic.
Just a thought :)
0_0
Damn you, that's brilliant.
Thanks, Lilliputty. It's only taken me about 4 years to come up with a half decent name :)
Heartbeats by Thrushes
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmK65dlPNTs
So... when does Fuchsia's Attic open its doors?
I don't think I have anything to say. I'm bad with words and I'm too lazy to look for stuff. I don't know where you find the energy :)
Why not try a Tumblr account instead? You don't have to talk on tumblr, just reblog like a maniac.
And i don't have energy, i have procrastination, thus, blogging.
Don't sell yourself short, Maggot. You do a fantastic job of maintaining your blog and other pages. That's a lot of work!
I'll give some serious thought to increasing my online presence :) I'm not sure it would be very good for me though, psychologically. I can get quite obsessive about some things as you've probably noticed :S
Dead City Emily by Marissa Nadler
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_KVavjkdTs
Drive by Marissa Nadler
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3uH8ipVEmA
I'm sorry for posting so much music lately, Lilliputty.
I've been spending my day deactivating most of my online profiles. I'm hoping that maintaining only a minimal presence online will improve my mood :)
Back to work tomorrow. I completely wasted my week off :)
So today for lunch I had red bull and mini rolls :S
...
Are you Willy Wonka and do you have a chocolate factory you'd be happy to let me raid? Sans creepy oompa loompas of course.
Someone brought 'Candy Kittens' sweets into work today :)
I sometimes wish I had been one of those people who takes an interest in weather. Y'know, recording everyday the temperature, rainfall etc. I like the idea of looking back on the years and seeing when we had nice weather, heavy snow, all those things. I'm a very sad person :)
You're saying this to the girl that can't go a day without checking the weather at least twice.
Never fucking apologise for any interest you had, have or will have. If you want to go out Larping or stay in and watch cake tutorials on youtube then so fucking be it. The only person who will ever judge you for that are people who don't have interesting enough lives to be judgemental of their own. I am in no doubt that any or all of my old friends would see my life as small and unadventurous, that's their prerogative, even if i wasn't living at home i'd still rather stay in and binge-watch Netflix or rifle through my vintage paperbacks to find the best smelling one. Give me that over being "interesting" any day. Interesting doesn't even exist! It's all relative. To me, the most interesting people are the ones with seemingly strange interests because i can relate but that's the point, we connect with similar values. It's why we're friends (and bloody good friends when i'm not being a lazy shitbag who doesn't reply to messages).
So if you want to record the rainfall of your eerie piece of land then go for it, Fungus and fuck everybody else.
...
You made me rant =/
Your ranting is very much appreciated, Maggot :)
Well, i'm good at it and you're my favourite, so i hate when you're down on yourself. You're a much more awesome human than you think you are, my friend.
Thank you, Maggot. That means a lot to me. I'm sorry but I never know how to respond to anything that isn't a sarcastic insult :)
You're always saying that you're not a very good friend because you don't reply so much these days but I don't care about that. I've never felt abandoned by you and I know you have your own stuff going on that you need to deal with. You have no idea how much I love being friends with you :)
Ughhhh, we're disgusting, it's making my skin itch 0_0
Consider yourself virtually punched in the solar plexus =/
Thanks. I needed that reality check :)
When I clicked on 'queens of sarcasm and disdainful death stares', i half expected to see a picture of you :)
Hah! It's a fair assumption, i do give good death stare, even Nancy Downs would be impressed.
I really need to watch The Craft. Why couldn't we have grown up on the same street where you could have forced me to watch all the things I've missed?
I really like your new 'evening' blog photo :)
I had peanut butter and pretzel m&m's the other day. They were both pretty good :)
One of my favourite things at the moment is the youtube channel 'Abroad in Japan'. Just so you know :)
Actually, Japan is the country I would most like to visit.
I've stocked up on food so I don't have to leave the house all weekend. You are literally the only human being I would want to see right now :)
Rookie mistake, i'd just steal all your food.
Maybe just as well. I've been eating ridiculous amounts of bacon :S
http://myzone.kola3h3xzfzrglqef.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Super-Funny-And-Cute-Animal-Pictures-004.jpg
How do you find these things? :D
Charlie's toes :)
Have you ever had a 'Yum Yum' pastry. They sell them next door to work at the college :)
I completely forgot it was Easter this weekend!
Pancakes and syrup tonight :)
Parents are back tomorrow so I have to go to the shops tonight and replenish the food supplies :)
I hope do not mind that I sent you something very small for Easter. Not sure it will arrive on time though :S
Happy Easter, Maggot. Eat lots of chocolate :)
Today we had hail, snow and sun :S
The best thing about this time of year is all the Easter Eggs now on offer :)
Good Night, Rich Kids by Panda Riot
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EGeMsW5Kkg
Hanged Man by Be Forest
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2EimrHK7hk
Have I ever told you how much I like Jackie Chan's badly dubbed 80s and 90s films? Well, I do :) I saw First Strike on tv the other day and it reminded me how much fun they are :)
Having to go to someone's leaving party tonight :S
Glad to see Charlie is still keeping well :)
I don't know why it is still snowing in April
I saw this job I might apply for the other week but it did not occur to me then. It was a temporary job doing basically the same thing I'm doing now, but in Orkney. Maybe if I had gone for it, I could have got a secondment and moved away for a year. I will definitely have to keep my eyes open from now on.
Trying to edge closer to the mainland? I like that idea.
Ps. Sugar box? Thank you, dear boy. My brain's trying to eat me alive right now so the sugar high is much appreciated.
Pps. I had to google 'secondment' =/ I'm not a grown person.
Yes, it was just a Swizzel box :)
I think I just know secondment because I use it a whole lot in my job :)
I don't know, sometimes I feel like moving away and starting again, but part of me wants to stay and make the best of what I have at the moment. It's confusing :)
Take Me To The Riot by Stars
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzSUIxYQI2E
Folk Festival this weekend. Yes, another festival :)
Drove to the cake fridge today. Bought cupcakes and tray bake :)
I feel so much better when it's nice weather :) I hope it's okay in Blair too.
Sugar by Young Prisms
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-htqF5cF_3A
Glass Deers by Braids
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adhxSEjnBjA
I hope you're feeling a bit better, Lilliputty.
I was trying to think of something interesting that I could tell you happened in my life recently.
But there is nothing :)
Kaleidoscope by Ringo Deathstarr
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxyYPlv4RVs
In Kind by Braids
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Xk-s4fCCwc
Blue Skies by Sad Day For Puppets
https://saddayforpuppets.bandcamp.com/track/blue-skies
I had fried chicken for lunch today at the college. It kinda reminded me of that episode of Community :)
Walk Alone by Broken Little Sister
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tEXa7GktVo
Summer Dreamer by The Daysleepers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gskNHVL6deU
Ivory Coast by Pure Bathing Culture
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLnmZMD2qXM
Sun Was High (So Was I) by Best Coast
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xdansEXFjg
I hope you're okay, Maggot.
In Kind by Braids
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Xk-s4fCCwc
Sorry again for all the music lately. But it's all your fault :) I only ever listened to a few artists before I met you. And then I started trying to find new music to try and impress you. And then I started to find more music that I liked. And now it's such a big part of my life and one of the few things I like about myself.
So, thanks, Maggot :)
Upper East Side by Experimental Aircraft
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNYSErz-OEg
The Body by The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcGpMp79zgI
I haven't watched a new film in about 3 months. I think I'm starting to lose interest in almost everything :S
Do you remember Lucozade Tablets? Well, I found something very similar at the supermarket - Dextro Energy tablets. It was a good find.
Home by Glasser
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WM9jh9nQNgE
I hope your reading challenge is going well, Maggot. I bet you're just demolishing those books :)
I miss you. Come back when you're ready but I did not want you to think that you were not missed.
Afflictions of Love by Low Sea
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qoAlNOjdqSs
Supposed to be warmest day tomorrow. As if it matters to people like me :)
Actually, it was misty for most of the day :S
Going to have to rub it in your face and tell you how goddamn warm and sunny it was here yesterday and today.
My cheeks are sunburned (luckily in a pretty way 0_0 nobody wants lobster cheeks)
Ps. Thank you for being so patient with me, it's muchly appreciated.
Reading in the garden again? :)
Car by Emily Reo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INa_6vHuAwo
Nah, the reading came after. This was from stupidly lolling about on the deck talking to Em and the Motherling for 3 hours =/ Not my smartest move.
Well, I had pancakes and syrup and an iced latte today (I have no idea how that makes up for the lack of sun).
Because it sounds fecking delicious! and you can't eat sunshine. That's how.
Haha, I guess not :)
Dark Western by Au Revoir Borealis
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8FliCisZns
It's Emily's birthday tomorrow, isn't it? I hope she has a good day and that you have cake :)
I reckon I should learn how to make iced coffee.
Okay, this weekend I'm going to make a list of all the films I want to watch over the next month.
Also, there's a cat sitting outside my bedroom window.
Another weekend of doing nothing. I sometimes wish I knew people who liked the same things as me but at the same time I'm usually happiest when I'm on my own.
With You by Magnetic Poetry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icLSHPVPaJE
Thinking about booking the week after next off work. I'm starting to get a reputation as the office grump.
I never did ask my sibling if he finished his Blade of the Immortal collection.
I sometimes think I should set myself a word limit for the day. It would stop me talking so much rubbish.
Well, I've booked leave for next week. I'll probably just waste it again.
You'll never guess what I found in the supermarket this evening. Kinder Milk Slices :)
Finally made it to my leave. Determined not to waste it. Which means I probably will :)
Trying to decide on a new tv series to start watching.
Watching Tombstone tonight. Fine western. And one of the best casts ever :)
I made the mistake of leaving the house today and walking around town. I'm not sure if it's just me but I think this place is slowly turning into a shithole.
Wheel of the Law by Kendra Smith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMRAqBf7DxE
Exhale by treasureseason
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCKyPBkjnkc
I really need to get around to watching Archer Vice.
Have a lovely weekend, Lilliputty. I hope Father's Day also means cake for you :)
Can you believe it's nearly our birthday again? :S
High by Mathemagic
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCNWJArgbMA
Is it weird that I've never tried frozen yogurt before?
Heart Fog by Th' Faith Healers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDa-8xIrW2E
Really getting into soup these days.
I'm the most interesting person in the world :)
I always feel slightly better about the world when Red Letter Media upload a new Best of the Worst video.
Working on my summer playlist :)
I hope you're getting lots of sun, Maggot. It's terrible here!
I've been thinking about giving up caffeine to see if it helps reduce the frequency of these headaches. Ugh, I get so many headaches.
Holy fuck, Lilliputty. You've already completed 90% of your reading challenge!
I haven't read a book in so long. You'd be so disappointed in me.
I hope things are getting better, Lilliputty.
I think I really need to redecorate my room. I pretty much accepted that I'm never going to move out of here :S
Well, this looks batshit insane :)
Roar (trailer)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cny_D50Rr44
I know this is almost a month late but cool trainers :)
I fucked up. I should have worked in a school so I could have a 6 week summer holiday.
I found this review of Blade Runner pretty entertaining :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adjfTktpIzg
Fuck, I've written some twattish nonsense during this rambling conversation these last few years :S
I finally got around to getting spotify :)
Well, that's my mum and dad gone away for 10 days. Time to enjoy some peace and quiet. That's all I really want these days :)
Watching Frasier and pointless internet searches. This is what I do when I'm left on my own :)
I've become so arrogant about my taste in things like music and films. I basically think that everyone else's sucks.
Bought cupcakes and marshmallows from the cake fridge today.
The one problem with my parents being away is that I don't eat properly. I had a cup of tea for breakfast, then didn't eat anything until the evening when I stuffed myself with cupcakes and pasta.
I'm thinking of buying an N64 for our birthday this year. Or maybe that's a little sad for a 31 year old :)
I drink ridiculous amounts of tea when I'm left on my own :S
I think I need to see this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cny_D50Rr44
Not leaving the house this weekend.
Hmm, I should probably start giving some thought to our birthday :)
Y'know how I said I was giving up caffeine - well today I had about 5 cups of coffee :S
Have to pick my parents up from the boat tomorrow morning, my peace and quiet shattered :)
I hope you don't mind that I still keep you up to date with my oh so interesting life.
Keep it coming. I like knowing you're okay. I'll come back. I promise.
Thanks Maggot. Please look after yourself.
I've been really bad lately for falling asleep while watching stuff on my laptop. Sometimes it's the only way I can fall asleep :S
Cleaned my room for the first time in like 3 months. I feel so much better now :)
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