off to war

On the 17th of January 2013, i woke up to discover two unexpected gifts.

I didn't see this coming.

I didn't even think Armin Mersmann would have any knowledge of my blog - it's so little - let alone take the time to write me such a thoughtful, honest and above all, supportive message.

I think i forget sometimes that i'm not the only artist in the world.

That sounds incredibly narcissistic but it's the simple fact that i live with myself every day, i'm only capable of knowing how i feel at all times and i'm not one to share.

I'll put it all over the internet, however. 

More making of the sense that is not, my speciality.

I regret not talking to my university friends about the feelings of inadequacy that were debilitating me while i was still in education.

They were probably feeling just the same and would not have been able to fix my problems but perhaps then i wouldn't have felt so small and so alone in my situation.

To be a Fine artist in a contemporary art school is not easy, thus why i fled so spectacularly.

This year i'll be receiving my Ordinary Degree, after 4 years of the university kindly holding my space open so i could complete with my Honours.

Which i can do whenever i wish. 

Hopefully they'd reaccept me but i'm not entirely sure DOJ is the place for me.

I'm not even sure if art is the right choice for me and until i know that i won't be returning to any institution of art.

It's really rather hard for someone like myself, who's ultimate goal within university was to receive a 1st and couldn't even bring themselves to start their final year.

It's all i wanted but i was a mess and it shouldn't have been what being an artist at art school was about.

I should have just wanted to create, instead i wanted to win.

Unhealthy but understandable.

I still want that 1st, i think i always will but if i go back to complete my degree, i just want to produce something that touches people.

Something i'm proud of.

But not too proud! 

So, thank you Mr Mersmann. 

I can't tell you how much receiving your message meant to me and how much it's given me to think about.

Happy Birthday for tomorrow and please keep producing your sublime works of art.

They may leave me timid but they are truly wonderful things to behold.

Also, to anyone who is currently at art school or even doing it solo and finds themselves in the same situation as i, message me if you'd like.

I can't fix it but i can empathise.

With bells on.

My other gift of the day was from my Mum.

It's always nice to wake up to a present, especially when you are utterly undeserving because of the ungodly hour you've finally dragged yourself out of bed to attempt functioning like a normal human being.

I won't tell you the hour but it was pretty bad.

The sun was going back down.

Shame, shame on me.

Thanks Mum.

You may be the only one i have but i still kinda think you're the best one.

Feel free to make barfing noises behind your computer screens at my unabashed soppiness!

I care not!

Listening to: Seamonster 'Bed of Roses'