Nothing is safe or sacred, my friend. Nuh-thing. Plus! Spielberg's at the helm with The BFG and that troubles me more than anything. AND! How do you top the cartoon? Really? That's just not even possible.
Why does Speilberg trouble you, I thought his form recently has been good, did you see bridge of spies? I don't know how you top the cartoon really but the same can be said of any original.
I haven't seen Bridge of Spies yet, i can't say i'm very interested but should i change my mind about that?
I think what irks me about Spielberg is his "children's" movies, they always left me with a saccharine taste in my mouth e.g. E.T., i loathe E.T, Jurassic Park is much the same, Hook has elements of greatness but overall i never really got it and Tintin was not bad but again, not a patch on the cartoon. I don't think the man can do innocence or non-puke-worthy wonder and that is absolutely necessary if you're gonna tackle Roald Dahl. I'm more than happy to be proved wrong though, just don't talk to me about The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, i may have a rage blackout.
Just put me in a fridge and let me sail away in a nuclear blast. I really enjoyed Bridge of Spies, its quite a tense thriller with some amazing acting. I must admit I really love ET and Jurassic Park so we aren't on the same page there but I can see what you are saying. Who would you have rather took on the BFG if you had to pick a director?
You wound me, sir. Wound me. And lo and behold they're making another! Dummies. Harrison has gone back up in my estimation after Star Wars but ugh, can he not put down his whip and hat for good now? It's getting sad...
My choice of director? That's actually quite tough because i can't say i've seen that many genuinely good live-action kids movies lately apart from Cinderella, which took me totally by surprise because a) the story of Cinderella in its Disneyfied form is bland to say the least and b) Lily James is also pretty bland but i actually bloody loved it. There's nothing particularly dark about that style of directing though so i don't think i'd put a bid in for good old Kenneth Branagh. Can i be totally absurd and request David Fincher to give it a go? Or Bryan Fuller because i want him to direct all the things? Or Tarsem Singh! Okay, i'm just listing directors i love and not giving this proper though but can you imagine how glorious those movies would look?
These are all excellent directors but again I can't see any of them in the directors chair for BFG. Christopher Nolan hahahahaha Michael Bay would make a giant smash up with lots of explosions hahahaha
Those movies would look beautiful and Finchers take would probably be a personal tale of all the bad giants.
Hmm, come to think of it, i'm unsure whether i'd trust him to do it justice, not after Gone Girl. I suppose he's always been a bit hit and miss though, from The Game to Fight Club, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button to Zodiac, those are some deeply unequally matched movies. I won't even go into how i feel about Panic Room and the flummoxing "acting" abilities of Jodie Foster. OR how he dropped out of the remake of Utopia. It broke my heart when the original was cancelled but to be given Fincher-based hope and then have it viciously snatched away is too much for my curmudgeonly heart to bear.
I disagree with everything you just said. EVERYTHING! I may be biased however due to the amount skin-crawling emotions Michael Douglas causes me. Except! for Wonderboys, Romancing the Stone and Falling Down. He was pretty good in Ant Man as well, to be fair.
Ooops I sort of wrote that wrong. I meant to say something like "so every Michael Douglas film then" Like saying those films are his only films because they are good or something. Honestly I was pretty drunk at the time so I'm now not sure what I meant to write. Blame the Bourbon.
If we're being patriotic then i'll have to go with Scotch but really, i don't drink due to being in that tiny percentage of people that thinks alcohol tastes like hairspray. The only way you can get me to enjoy alcohol is to put it in dessert.
Firstly, it is most certainly whiskey. Secondly, i couldn't survive as a Mad Man, my liver would salute Arnold Rimmer style and promptly keel over and die. Thirdly, i'm Scottish, you nitwit, we are the masters of Scotch, even if it does taste like poison. And fourthly, my rage monster ascends from kneecaps.
"The spelling whisky is generally used for whiskies distilled in Scotland, Canada, Australia, Japan and Europe, while whiskey is used for the spirits distilled in Ireland and America."
but of course you could just tell me to smeg off and spell it however you like.
Also the CAPTCHA verify image thing always makes me hungry. Click on all the pictures of pasta.... yeah thanks CAPTCHA now I want pasta.
Circuitously, i did indeed call you an idiot but if you spelled things the way i command you to then i wouldn't have to! ... I might deserve a punch in the face.
I'm not angry, i'm curmudgeonly. There's a subtle difference. I should probably stop threatening you with bodily harm though. At least for a couple of days.
I imagine so but this girl doesn't give her email address out to just anyone i'm afraid, so i guess we're stuck? Or we move the whole conversation to a post of your choosing? - i took your spleen, you should get to choose.
...I'd be a little creeped out? You're the monster that lives under my bed, aren't you? In all seriousness though, name yourself, mislaid acquaintance.
I doubt you will remember me as its been the best part of 10 years since we spoke. I wanted to remain nameless because I was enjoying the chat, feeling guilty now tho. My name is Alan.
Okay, so I took the weekend to think about it and I'm sorry but I'm not really comfortable continuing to talk. Our friendship ended for a reason, a reason I understood and respected but it's a reason that's ever present. It's sad because I loved being your friend at the time but shit happens and you made the right, if hurtful call but I can't imagine your then girlfriend, now wife's feelings have changed about me, so I don't think she'd appreciate us talking. I don't want her to get hurt. I don't want to get hurt. It's got "shitstorm" written all over it and I'm honestly not up for that.
It was nice talking, it really was, I wish you'd been up front about it though, it wasn’t exactly fair but it's ok. I hope you understand my decision and I hope you're good and life's good and everything's good and all that crap. Maybe catch you in a parallel universe or something.
Fuck, i'm sorry to hear that, truly but i'm glad you're doing ok. Can i keep your email? I know that seems like cheek after what i said but i dunno, maybe at some point it won't feel strange anymore.
I'm sorry this will be the last time I contact you. Just wanted to say I will probably need to stop perusing the blog, its too hard not to comment. The last month or so commenting back and forth has been really good, sometimes the highlight of my day, I miss it then when I see all the other conversations we could be having I'm like "ah crap"
I really do hope to hear from you one of these days.
I won't hold my breath though as that would kill me (or at least make me pass out)
Thank you, it's really not necessary but thank you, i appreciate it. Your email has been logged, stored, signed, sealed, delivered? so you never know what might show up in your inbox someday. No promises it won't be a flood of Dr Horrible gifs. And stop by every now and then to ye olde blog. Y'know, for the bread.
Apparently I don't know how to not come on here and write stuff hahahaha Just wanted to say you inspired me to start my own blog http://tryingnottodide.blogspot.co.uk/ if you fancy having a look at it at any time.
Anyway yeah thats the last time until in 15 years time I get Dr Horrible gifs and I'll be terribly confused.
Hmm, feels like i'm talking into the void. Anyone reading this will probably presume i'm nuts - accurate presumption.
I'm sorry but i can't meet up, not because i don't want to but simply because i've taken some hits to the old psyche over the years and it's left me pretty fucked up. Basic human contact beyond my family - and even then sometimes, bunch of monsters - has this hilarious way of breaking me down in small but swift increments until i'm but a puddle of anxiety-ridden slush. It's delightful. A round of applause for depression and social anxiety! Run while you still can, dear boy, i'm a living nightmare.
Is it perchance the Keathbank Mill? If so, it is indeed a wonderful building, one of my favourites and i'm pretty sure i walked you past it on your first visit to my little podunk piece of Earth. It's by the river? Seen from a wooden bridge? I think they turned it into disgustingly expensive flats.
Hahahaha thanks for writing back, totally didn't think how it would look if you did. It does look crazy but its all good.
I'm really sorry to hear about that, I'd love to talk to you more about it but I doubt this here place is appropriate. If we end up chatting through other means someday I want the whole damn story.
I made a promise that I wouldn't run from things years ago after I left a friend in a bit of a state because I wasn't prepared to look after him. So I refuse to run, I'm here if you need someone to vent to. I know social anxiety well and run a group with a friend to help people in Glasgow essentially get out of the house and interact with other humans, its hard going but we have done fairly well so far. Depression I have more of a strange relationship with, will explain some day, this isn't the place to run my mouth about my feelings (not that I have any left, cold dead heart and all that). You have my number now so if you need to chat, need to vent need to call me names and tell me how I'm the worst person in the world go ahead. I feel so shitty about how we left things and feel I should have been there for you (not the only reason I am reaching out though)
Yeah was that mill, I remembered it from that day, I can actually picture most of that day. Yeah I done some research today and found out its flats, I want an abandoned mill to photograph, looks like I will be heading further afield. I do need to get to your neck of the woods soon though I remember those woods being spectacular, so disappointed with the mill though. Glad I found out before I drove a million miles hahahaha.
You know how our friendship ended, that's no secret. My then girlfriend never asked me to stop talking to you but out of respect for her and her feelings I thought it was best to, it was not fun and not something I done lightly but I done it. For the last 10 years I have filed you in a box called old friends which was growing and out of control (some for silly reasons some for really good reasons). When my relationship broke down and ended this year I picked through that box and decided I was going to contact some old friends and just look some up, see how they were getting on.
I have reconnected with my friend Jonathan and I reconnected with Craig too (you remember him don't you) and looked a bunch up, one of them was you. I actually don't know how I found you as you are pretty off the grid but I found you, saw you baked bread, still loved art, crappy indie music (that I sectretly love) and were still very much in my wheelhouse of movie love. I didn't want to bother you but wanted to check you were ok, so left an anonymous message. Then it spiraled because I was enjoying the chat and you kept posting stuff that I wanted to talk about. So decided to stop being a little bitch and tell you who I was, see if you even remembered me and if you cared to chat.
So here I am now reaching out to an old friend who turns out I still very much get on with.
So yup that's my story. It's a really crap story but it is what it is. Sorry.
I can respect that, it's valid reasoning - well done for tracking me down, i try my best to remain unreachable - and if the ending to our particular friendship hadn't been so loaded then you'd probably find me a little less cagey. It's not that i still harbour resentments or think bad of you, in the end i was glad to not have to deal with all the bad blood flying around but for a long time i was incredibly hurt and angry, so i need to protect myself. I've no room for dredging up the past, it only leads to dwelling on things i'd rather leave buried and i've worked damn hard to get myself to a reasonably balanced place. If i'm honest, it's taken me years and i'm still broken but not miserable anymore and i refuse to hinder that in any way. Maybe it makes me unevolved to not be able to just be friends again but i'm not sure i can be. It'll always be there, what happened, and having one foot in the past will likely always cause me a certain amount of anxiety. Anxiety i'm ill-equipped to deal with. Which is why this really blows. We've always "clicked" and i don't with most people, so shutting this down actually sucks a lot for me, turning away potential friendships leaves me increasingly isolated but as you said, "it is what it is".
I hope this doesn't come across as shitty and you may still receive that gif heavy email one day but for now i think i want to leave it here. You're still a stellar human, Alan John Keenan. Stay that way.
I don't think it makes you unevolved, I think it makes you strong. It would be easy to say "hey lets be friends again and act like the past didn't happen" its much harder to admit the past would come up, it would hurt both of us, I would feel guilt, you would feel pain (or another emotion - I don't deal well with emotional words) and I imagine it would be so difficult for you. So you saying no this isn't happen shows a great strength. Obviously I am gutted but I understand and the email and number is always there if you want to use them. I will keep my expectations very low.
I wish there was some way for me to make up for my actions in the past or some way to help you now. If there ever is something I can do please do not hesitate. I owe you.
Also don't listen to Bon Iver when reading this, I was listening when writing and I'm a little bit emotional.
You are quite awesome yourself, I hope things get better, I hope you show life who you are and kick its balls.
You know I have been doing a lot of soul searching the last few months (sounds wanky I know) and I realised I promised myself I would not just give up on people as easy as I had in the past. So looking at it I feel I maybe gave up on you a little too easy. I can sort of understand not wanting me to hurt you because our friendship the first time round ended in a clusterfuck of fire and brimstone. I also understand you are in a much more fragile place when it comes to accepting friendships now too. All I want to say is that I do not want to try to force my way back into your life as a friend, but also I do not want to give up too easily. Now in saying that if you are adamant that absolutley no you do not want a friendship with me and will come back to me if and when you would like one then that is ok, I just didn't want to just give in at the first sign of adversity. I am willing to fight (maybe not physically because clearly you are brutal hahaha) and willing to I dunno put myself out there. So yeah I don't know how to end this. thoughts please.
Do you not think this movie adaptation looks a bit horrible?
I do but i'm a sucker for just about anything action/fantasy-based. I usually only learn my lesson after the fact, e.g. The Last Witch Hunter.
Haven't gotten round to watching The Last Witch Hunter yet but I do like big Vin so even if its awful I will probably like it at least just a little.
That's what i was hoping but not even Mr Diesel could salvage this shitshow.
Favourite Vin Diesel movie?
Easy, pitch black... No wait, a man apart... No actually it's fast five... Oh damn it's guardians of the galaxy.
Too many to choose.
Yours?
The Man:Pitch Black
The Voice:The Iron Giant, no question, hands down, always, i'm welling up just thinking about it, "Suuuupermaan..."
How long until they make a live action iron giant movie? Every other animated movie is getting one pfft.
The above sentence physically hurts me. How dare you tempt fate like that?!
I like tempting fate. The Jungle Book live action movie was excellent , the BFG might be good (doubt it).
The iron giant is probably safe though.
Nothing is safe or sacred, my friend. Nuh-thing. Plus! Spielberg's at the helm with The BFG and that troubles me more than anything. AND! How do you top the cartoon? Really? That's just not even possible.
Why does Speilberg trouble you, I thought his form recently has been good, did you see bridge of spies?
I don't know how you top the cartoon really but the same can be said of any original.
I haven't seen Bridge of Spies yet, i can't say i'm very interested but should i change my mind about that?
I think what irks me about Spielberg is his "children's" movies, they always left me with a saccharine taste in my mouth e.g. E.T., i loathe E.T, Jurassic Park is much the same, Hook has elements of greatness but overall i never really got it and Tintin was not bad but again, not a patch on the cartoon. I don't think the man can do innocence or non-puke-worthy wonder and that is absolutely necessary if you're gonna tackle Roald Dahl. I'm more than happy to be proved wrong though, just don't talk to me about The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, i may have a rage blackout.
Just put me in a fridge and let me sail away in a nuclear blast.
I really enjoyed Bridge of Spies, its quite a tense thriller with some amazing acting.
I must admit I really love ET and Jurassic Park so we aren't on the same page there but I can see what you are saying.
Who would you have rather took on the BFG if you had to pick a director?
be back soon just going to swing on some monkeys
You wound me, sir. Wound me. And lo and behold they're making another! Dummies. Harrison has gone back up in my estimation after Star Wars but ugh, can he not put down his whip and hat for good now? It's getting sad...
My choice of director? That's actually quite tough because i can't say i've seen that many genuinely good live-action kids movies lately apart from Cinderella, which took me totally by surprise because a) the story of Cinderella in its Disneyfied form is bland to say the least and b) Lily James is also pretty bland but i actually bloody loved it. There's nothing particularly dark about that style of directing though so i don't think i'd put a bid in for good old Kenneth Branagh. Can i be totally absurd and request David Fincher to give it a go? Or Bryan Fuller because i want him to direct all the things? Or Tarsem Singh! Okay, i'm just listing directors i love and not giving this proper though but can you imagine how glorious those movies would look?
These are all excellent directors but again I can't see any of them in the directors chair for BFG.
Christopher Nolan hahahahaha Michael Bay would make a giant smash up with lots of explosions hahahaha
Those movies would look beautiful and Finchers take would probably be a personal tale of all the bad giants.
"Finchers take would probably be a personal tale of all the bad giants."
...
I NEED TO SEE THAT MOVIE!
Maybe he will read this and make it his new project.
Hmm, come to think of it, i'm unsure whether i'd trust him to do it justice, not after Gone Girl. I suppose he's always been a bit hit and miss though, from The Game to Fight Club, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button to Zodiac, those are some deeply unequally matched movies. I won't even go into how i feel about Panic Room and the flummoxing "acting" abilities of Jodie Foster. OR how he dropped out of the remake of Utopia. It broke my heart when the original was cancelled but to be given Fincher-based hope and then have it viciously snatched away is too much for my curmudgeonly heart to bear.
Oh come on The Game is awesome, its not in his crap pile. Benjamin button is forgettable and haven't seen Gone Girl.
Panic room has its moments.
I disagree with everything you just said. EVERYTHING! I may be biased however due to the amount skin-crawling emotions Michael Douglas causes me. Except! for Wonderboys, Romancing the Stone and Falling Down. He was pretty good in Ant Man as well, to be fair.
So every Michael Douglas film except every good Michael Douglas film?
Are you kidding? What the hell do you consider his "good" movies?
Ooops I sort of wrote that wrong.
I meant to say something like "so every Michael Douglas film then"
Like saying those films are his only films because they are good or something.
Honestly I was pretty drunk at the time so I'm now not sure what I meant to write.
Blame the Bourbon.
I'm going to judge you harshly for the mere drinking of Bourbon. Yuck.
Would you rather Whisky?
If we're being patriotic then i'll have to go with Scotch but really, i don't drink due to being in that tiny percentage of people that thinks alcohol tastes like hairspray. The only way you can get me to enjoy alcohol is to put it in dessert.
SCOTCH????? Where do you think you are? on the set of Mad Men?
It's whisky or whiskey if you prefer.
Phew sorry about that, rage monster crawled up from my belly. He's gone now.
Firstly, it is most certainly whiskey.
Secondly, i couldn't survive as a Mad Man, my liver would salute Arnold Rimmer style and promptly keel over and die.
Thirdly, i'm Scottish, you nitwit, we are the masters of Scotch, even if it does taste like poison.
And fourthly, my rage monster ascends from kneecaps.
"The spelling whisky is generally used for whiskies distilled in Scotland, Canada, Australia, Japan and Europe, while whiskey is used for the spirits distilled in Ireland and America."
but of course you could just tell me to smeg off and spell it however you like.
Also the CAPTCHA verify image thing always makes me hungry. Click on all the pictures of pasta.... yeah thanks CAPTCHA now I want pasta.
I know, i know but whiskey just feels right. Fuck the patriarchy. Unless i'm sassing someone.
The CAPTCHA can go fuck itself and then make you pasta. I decree it.
It is the spelling that looks right and I really do like the word scotch but something inside makes me go "nope its Whisky".
CAPTCHA is making me look at store fronts today, most unusual.
You're wrong. End of. It's like people that spell yoghurt without the 'h'. Wrong. Idiots. Stop it.
I find it rude that the CAPTCHA makes me participate in the test. It's my bloody blog!
I AM NOT WRONG!!!!!!!
Also did you just call me an idiot? hahaha
It really makes you do it as well? that's uncool
Circuitously, i did indeed call you an idiot but if you spelled things the way i command you to then i wouldn't have to!
...
I might deserve a punch in the face.
I don't hit girls so you dont need to worry.
I like that for this comment you're Anonymous.
Hahahaha so the NSA can't track me.
Anyway how'd you know it was me. could be anyone.
Good point but nah, i think i've got your snarky tone bookmarked forevermore.
Snarky? Damn I was going for charmingly sarcastic. Will need to work on that.
What tone do i emit?
Angry
I'm not angry, i'm curmudgeonly. There's a subtle difference. I should probably stop threatening you with bodily harm though. At least for a couple of days.
Yeah give me a weekend off of the worry that I may be hurt.
2 hours and 22 minutes until i can threaten your life again.
Oh shit!!!
I gave you a day's grace.
Because i'm lazy.
How's your spleen? Fancy lending me it?
I don't need my spleen. Have it.
Right I am getting dizzy with all these comments hahahahaha
There must be a better way to converse than this.
I imagine so but this girl doesn't give her email address out to just anyone i'm afraid, so i guess we're stuck? Or we move the whole conversation to a post of your choosing? - i took your spleen, you should get to choose.
What if I said I know you or that we knew each other?
...I'd be a little creeped out? You're the monster that lives under my bed, aren't you?
In all seriousness though, name yourself, mislaid acquaintance.
I doubt you will remember me as its been the best part of 10 years since we spoke.
I wanted to remain nameless because I was enjoying the chat, feeling guilty now tho.
My name is Alan.
Keenan? That you? Of course i remember you, dummy.
Okay, so I took the weekend to think about it and I'm sorry but I'm not really comfortable continuing to talk. Our friendship ended for a reason, a reason I understood and respected but it's a reason that's ever present. It's sad because I loved being your friend at the time but shit happens and you made the right, if hurtful call but I can't imagine your then girlfriend, now wife's feelings have changed about me, so I don't think she'd appreciate us talking. I don't want her to get hurt. I don't want to get hurt. It's got "shitstorm" written all over it and I'm honestly not up for that.
It was nice talking, it really was, I wish you'd been up front about it though, it wasn’t exactly fair but it's ok. I hope you understand my decision and I hope you're good and life's good and everything's good and all that crap. Maybe catch you in a parallel universe or something.
Stay cool, Keenan.
I totally respect that. I'm glad you took the time to think that over.
I regret not being up front about it, I have no excuse.
Yeah I'm not married anymore.
Long story short we fell out of love.
We have both moved on.
Anyway dude I'm glad you are still doing good and it was awesome talking to you.
See you in that parallel universe.
Fuck, i'm sorry to hear that, truly but i'm glad you're doing ok.
Can i keep your email? I know that seems like cheek after what i said but i dunno, maybe at some point it won't feel strange anymore.
Yeah I've had that email for years and use it for all sorts so I am happy for you to keep it and use it if you like.
If not then that's cool too.
Take it easy,
Al out
I'm sorry this will be the last time I contact you.
Just wanted to say I will probably need to stop perusing the blog, its too hard not to comment.
The last month or so commenting back and forth has been really good, sometimes the highlight of my day, I miss it then when I see all the other conversations we could be having I'm like "ah crap"
I really do hope to hear from you one of these days.
I won't hold my breath though as that would kill me (or at least make me pass out)
Anyway sorry again, for everything.
Al
Thank you, it's really not necessary but thank you, i appreciate it.
Your email has been logged, stored, signed, sealed, delivered? so you never know what might show up in your inbox someday. No promises it won't be a flood of Dr Horrible gifs.
And stop by every now and then to ye olde blog. Y'know, for the bread.
Take care of yourself, good sir.
Apparently I don't know how to not come on here and write stuff hahahaha
Just wanted to say you inspired me to start my own blog http://tryingnottodide.blogspot.co.uk/ if you fancy having a look at it at any time.
Anyway yeah thats the last time until in 15 years time I get Dr Horrible gifs and I'll be terribly confused.
Hey, that's awesome, looking forward to getting a glimpse into Keenan, 10 years on.
Until it's time to gif, bud.
Hmm, feels like i'm talking into the void. Anyone reading this will probably presume i'm nuts - accurate presumption.
I'm sorry but i can't meet up, not because i don't want to but simply because i've taken some hits to the old psyche over the years and it's left me pretty fucked up. Basic human contact beyond my family - and even then sometimes, bunch of monsters - has this hilarious way of breaking me down in small but swift increments until i'm but a puddle of anxiety-ridden slush. It's delightful. A round of applause for depression and social anxiety!
Run while you still can, dear boy, i'm a living nightmare.
Is it perchance the Keathbank Mill? If so, it is indeed a wonderful building, one of my favourites and i'm pretty sure i walked you past it on your first visit to my little podunk piece of Earth. It's by the river? Seen from a wooden bridge? I think they turned it into disgustingly expensive flats.
Hahahaha thanks for writing back, totally didn't think how it would look if you did. It does look crazy but its all good.
I'm really sorry to hear about that, I'd love to talk to you more about it but I doubt this here place is appropriate. If we end up chatting through other means someday I want the whole damn story.
I made a promise that I wouldn't run from things years ago after I left a friend in a bit of a state because I wasn't prepared to look after him. So I refuse to run, I'm here if you need someone to vent to.
I know social anxiety well and run a group with a friend to help people in Glasgow essentially get out of the house and interact with other humans, its hard going but we have done fairly well so far.
Depression I have more of a strange relationship with, will explain some day, this isn't the place to run my mouth about my feelings (not that I have any left, cold dead heart and all that).
You have my number now so if you need to chat, need to vent need to call me names and tell me how I'm the worst person in the world go ahead. I feel so shitty about how we left things and feel I should have been there for you (not the only reason I am reaching out though)
Yeah was that mill, I remembered it from that day, I can actually picture most of that day.
Yeah I done some research today and found out its flats, I want an abandoned mill to photograph, looks like I will be heading further afield. I do need to get to your neck of the woods soon though I remember those woods being spectacular, so disappointed with the mill though.
Glad I found out before I drove a million miles hahahaha.
If it's not too blunt to ask, why are you reaching out now?
Not too blunt at all, it's a pertinent question.
You know how our friendship ended, that's no secret.
My then girlfriend never asked me to stop talking to you but out of respect for her and her feelings I thought it was best to, it was not fun and not something I done lightly but I done it.
For the last 10 years I have filed you in a box called old friends which was growing and out of control (some for silly reasons some for really good reasons).
When my relationship broke down and ended this year I picked through that box and decided I was going to contact some old friends and just look some up, see how they were getting on.
I have reconnected with my friend Jonathan and I reconnected with Craig too (you remember him don't you) and looked a bunch up, one of them was you.
I actually don't know how I found you as you are pretty off the grid but I found you, saw you baked bread, still loved art, crappy indie music (that I sectretly love) and were still very much in my wheelhouse of movie love.
I didn't want to bother you but wanted to check you were ok, so left an anonymous message.
Then it spiraled because I was enjoying the chat and you kept posting stuff that I wanted to talk about.
So decided to stop being a little bitch and tell you who I was, see if you even remembered me and if you cared to chat.
So here I am now reaching out to an old friend who turns out I still very much get on with.
So yup that's my story.
It's a really crap story but it is what it is.
Sorry.
I can respect that, it's valid reasoning - well done for tracking me down, i try my best to remain unreachable - and if the ending to our particular friendship hadn't been so loaded then you'd probably find me a little less cagey. It's not that i still harbour resentments or think bad of you, in the end i was glad to not have to deal with all the bad blood flying around but for a long time i was incredibly hurt and angry, so i need to protect myself. I've no room for dredging up the past, it only leads to dwelling on things i'd rather leave buried and i've worked damn hard to get myself to a reasonably balanced place. If i'm honest, it's taken me years and i'm still broken but not miserable anymore and i refuse to hinder that in any way. Maybe it makes me unevolved to not be able to just be friends again but i'm not sure i can be. It'll always be there, what happened, and having one foot in the past will likely always cause me a certain amount of anxiety. Anxiety i'm ill-equipped to deal with. Which is why this really blows. We've always "clicked" and i don't with most people, so shutting this down actually sucks a lot for me, turning away potential friendships leaves me increasingly isolated but as you said, "it is what it is".
I hope this doesn't come across as shitty and you may still receive that gif heavy email one day but for now i think i want to leave it here.
You're still a stellar human, Alan John Keenan. Stay that way.
I don't think it makes you unevolved, I think it makes you strong. It would be easy to say "hey lets be friends again and act like the past didn't happen" its much harder to admit the past would come up, it would hurt both of us, I would feel guilt, you would feel pain (or another emotion - I don't deal well with emotional words) and I imagine it would be so difficult for you.
So you saying no this isn't happen shows a great strength.
Obviously I am gutted but I understand and the email and number is always there if you want to use them. I will keep my expectations very low.
I wish there was some way for me to make up for my actions in the past or some way to help you now. If there ever is something I can do please do not hesitate. I owe you.
Also don't listen to Bon Iver when reading this, I was listening when writing and I'm a little bit emotional.
You are quite awesome yourself, I hope things get better, I hope you show life who you are and kick its balls.
Much Love kiddo,
see you again in this life, or the next one.
Hey Kid,
You know I have been doing a lot of soul searching the last few months (sounds wanky I know) and I realised I promised myself I would not just give up on people as easy as I had in the past.
So looking at it I feel I maybe gave up on you a little too easy. I can sort of understand not wanting me to hurt you because our friendship the first time round ended in a clusterfuck of fire and brimstone. I also understand you are in a much more fragile place when it comes to accepting friendships now too.
All I want to say is that I do not want to try to force my way back into your life as a friend, but also I do not want to give up too easily.
Now in saying that if you are adamant that absolutley no you do not want a friendship with me and will come back to me if and when you would like one then that is ok, I just didn't want to just give in at the first sign of adversity. I am willing to fight (maybe not physically because clearly you are brutal hahaha) and willing to I dunno put myself out there.
So yeah I don't know how to end this. thoughts please.
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